And so two weeks ago, I announced that my boyfriend Brett and I would be starting a mission we're calling The Hard Questions project (if you missed the entry, you can check it out here; poor Brett – I'm not quite sure that in dating me he realized that he would be advertising all of his tics and quirks on the internet. But he has been incredibly gracious about the whole thing). In this project, we are working through Susan Piver's book, titled The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say 'I Do'”. A sort of relationship test drive, if you will. This project is coming at the perfect time, because we are considering getting engaged soon, in separate states for the summer, and looking for a way to keep in touch and keep moving forward without being able to see each other every day. And because, as I mentioned in my last post, I'm a tad question-crazy and this calms my “WHAT IF” nerves a bit.
Thus far, our experiences with The Hard Questions have been a lot like a relationship itself. We started googly-eyed, so full of promise and excitement that there were cartoon hearts popping out of our heads and scattering around the carpet. Three questions per day? No problem. Describe your dream home in detail, room by room? Absolutely. You think dinner is the most important meal of the day? Me too! No wonder we're soulmates. See? Marriage is easy!
But as we delved a little deeper into the book, the terrain started to get rocky. After all, as Susan Piver clearly states in the introduction, the point of the book is to get to the root of the issues that cause marriages to fall apart. To work through these questions before you take the plunge. Suddenly, we were snipping at each other about who was going to be responsible for the cleaning. “Obviously everyone wants a little peace and quiet from time to time. But for the most part when I walk into a home I want it to look open, not cluttered and have to climb over things,” Brett wrote in the second week. Wait a second. Was that a personal attack? Is he calling me messy? Should I respond with a quip about his need to have all of the shirts in the closet face the same direction? This is where the problem with email started to set in – while we were mostly just trying to be open and communicate that we understood each other's weaknesses, it sometimes came across like an attack. This is something we will have to work though day by day. A warning to any other couples looking to start the project: writing the answers adds a certain complication to the process. But you can work through it if you don't mind a little bit of extra communication.
That doesn't mean, of course, that the conversations were always loving. The truth? I am messy. And that is something that we need to compromise on, if Brett is going to be able to live day-to-day without tearing his hair out. Another fact? I will die of boredom if I have to paint any room in my house eggshell or beige. Brett, on the other hand, grew up with soft colors and clean lines. He appreciates a good shade of tan. What I want to do is sock him on the side of the head and call him boring. But Ms. Piver lovingly reminds us: “No matter how much you love each other, the feeling and properties of the space you share will affect the course of your relationship. A small space may feel cozy to you but suffocating to your partner. Casual housekeeping may denote relaxation to your partner and slovenliness to you. It is important to hear your lover's needs on these topics, and to express your own.” Preachy or not, it gets the point across: a punch to the ear doesn't really count as 'hearing my lover's needs.' So, instead, I'm learning to listen.
This is not the only preachy section that we have run into while working through The Hard Questions. In the introduction, Piver sounds quirky, unique, and appealing to the relationship that doesn't quite fit the mold. But as we slip into the chapters, her advice turns a bit cookie cutter. I was expecting more personal advice and anecdotes, like the wonderful rock and feather situation we were first introduced to. But there isn't much of that to be found. The writing is sincere, but not always personalized.
The biggest problem for Brett and I thus far has been with the chapters of money and work. Brett is financially responsible to the point of frustration – everything is mapped out, charted, every penny planned. He is Mister Saves-a-Lot. While I would love to jet off to Greece as soon as I have the money in my account, returning with 6,000 pictures and about 42 cents, he would rather save the money for a downpayment on a house. These are things we have been working to compromise on since the day that we met, so I was wary of these chapters from the very beginning.
Brett is well over halfway through his unpaid career training. This specific company chooses not to pay their trainees until they are signed full-time, which, in theory, makes sense. So while he has been putting in probably 50 hours a week, he hasn't seen a cent. I may not be the most fiscally aware person on the planet, but I do know that lots of work + no pay = stress. Still, I was raised to read a book start to finish. Chapter two comes after chapter one. So from Home to Work we went. “How much money do we earn together? Now? In one year? Five years? Ten years? Who is responsible for which portion?” I waited nervously for his emailed response. As a librarian intern, I make a little over seven dollars and hour, which barely covers the cost of getting there and back per day. As a full time librarian out of college, I doubt I'll make much more. We have obviously discussed money and what our incomes will turn out to be, but I was nervous to hear how he would handle the question. “The first question is really easy and also really hard to answer,” he typed. “We make no money now. […] What this means is that I have an idea of what we would make together, but until we make it through, say, a one year trial period, it is hard to say how much we will make and how we will spend, save, and/or allocate all of that money.” This response should have put me at ease. Sure, the income isn't there yet. But it will be soon, and he's already planning for it. How could you get more nervous when someone uses the word “allocate” in their financial answer?
But it sent me into spastic panic. I found myself venting to my mother: “HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH NO INCOME?!” She reminded me, as gently as possible, that he was still in training. That the paychecks would come monthly in a short period of time. That we both had parents that loved us far too much to let us live on the street. I also looked to the guidance of The Hard Questions. “Of all the subjects couples can discuss, money is the most metaphoric. Money can mean security, love, power, and/or freedom. Perhaps because of its various levels of meaning, it is one of the subjects most often battled over. […] It's important to examine – but almost everyone I know cringes at the thought of discussing money. I know much more about my friends' sex lives than I do about their financial situations. Money is often the final frontier in terms of intimacy between two people.”
“The Final Frontier.” How terrifying. No wonder I was sucking down chamomile tea like a camel. But as terrifying as that is, the writing in The Hard Questions can also be a comfort. When I see a question that rings true, whether it be about intimacy or laundry, I know that its a common fear. I'm not the only one worrying about who will vacuum the carpet. It makes me feel sane to know that these are common questions, that I'm not a total nut job.
At this point, I was considering hiding the book under the bed for fear of its evil voodoo maiming my relationship. Because of the Work chapter disaster, I decided to call it quits with the questions. They were doing more harm than good! Sure, we had connected over a love for bay windows and landscaping. But we were fighting. Surely Susan Piver had brought this evil into our lives.
Enter my mother stage right, annoyingly supportive and loving of Brett (as always). “These problems won't go away just because you return the book,” she reminded me. “You're both doing your best. If you really can't handle those questions right now, skip the chapters and come back to them. You know that marriage isn't about skipping out when things are unpleasant. You're pledging to stick with him even when times are tough – and that means no returning him if you don't like it.” (Mama's wisdom may be paraphrased, but never over-estimated.) In the long run, that's the point of the book, isn't it? To get to the root of the issues that are going to be the most difficult throughout the rest of our lives, and to put a solid foundation of communication and understanding beneath them.
It's definitely working. I've taken The Hard Questions out from under the bed. We're back on track and working on the Health and Food chapter (mom was right – skipping Work and Money for now is probably the best idea). Despite the squabbles that have broken out about interior decorating and organic food, Brett and I have reached a new level of communication that is putting a solid foundation into our future together. If and when we do choose to tie the knot, there will be no surprises about who wants what, when, or how. I think that Susan Piver is right when she says, “This book is about envisioning your life together, with great care, consciously. It is about skillfully balancing the crazy wisdom of love with the grounded practicality of making a life together. It is about the middle road, the constant, meaningful interplay between these two extremes... Strong marriages exist comfortably here, between the fire of intimacy and the ground of pragmatism.” The book, so far, is a wonderful tool for couples married, engaged, or just looking to get closer through honesty and openness. But be prepared – the answers might not always be what you expect; don't go into this challenge unless you're ready for some compromise.
AWESOME! I was just talking with a girl last night about this book and her other one, The Wisdom of a Broken Heart. This post is so meaningful to me right now--all couples need to reach a level of communication where they are capable of talking about the hard things. That is what will make a relationship last. Thanks for posting this, you are inspirational!
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